Characters, Humor, My Book

WARNING: Do NOT Do These 7 Things That I Did! (ft Me Roasting My Book to Marshmallows Pt. 2)

Sooo, if you want to 1) Get to read some hilarious behind-the-scenes content about my book and 2) listen to me sass myself and die of laughter/embarrassment, THEN READ ON FELLOW ADVENTURER, cauuuseeee that is what’s going on today!

Let’s get started!Screen Shot 2019-02-10 at 2.39.03 PM

***(Also, although these sentences/paragraphs/words in general??? will never be used in the real version of my book, I ask that you don’t take any of these sentences. (And actually, you’d be crazy if you wanted any, because-*cringe* yeah…just read on and you’ll soon see what I mean)

 

Click Here For Part One of These Very Sarcastic Book Sessions

 

1. Names

I’m still working on this problem even today. I always have and I’m pretty sure I always will be quite naturally a disaster at creating names.

There are thousands of character names which I’m super choosy about it, but I can deal with. The thing that really yanks me into the ‘I’m stuck’ hole wait it just occurred to me if you were in a whole you’d probably be stuck anyway… is naming titles and places…*groans* things just get really awful.

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Original Example From Yours Truly:

…….The Impossible Forest.

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*smacks forehead repeatedly* how is it that a forest is clearly impossible to get through, and YET, my characters somehow MADE IT THROUGH?

(FUN FACT…they were going into the forest on a whim.)

It was actually quite horrifying, because once about a year ago, I actually read a book that had a forest called the Impassible Forest. At first, I was indignant that there was already a published book with basically the same idea and name as mine! …And then, what do you know…the characters of the book made it through this totally impassible forest!!!

I gave up on the forest being impossible altogether after that.

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Also, I was super imaginative and called this one super old elf dude ‘The Royal Wizard’ which I never really liked but kept because I did not want to go through the process of creating anything better. Also, for some strange reason, I also called The Royal Wizard the ‘elf lord’ at some points in time, and I’m like, “One title isn’t enough for this old dude??”

Okay, moving onto more insane places *grins at you winningly* 

 

2. Descriptions

Will and Colin were in deep combat. They thrusted, hacked, blocked, and did many stances that Anya couldn’t name

I have no idea if I was just lazy or purely clueless when writing this scene, but I AL.WAYS. started to describe things and then I guess got bored or SOMETHING? and just dumped the idea of describing the rest of it, because I guess I knew what was going on soooo obviously readers did too.

Examples:

(I actually used this example in this post here if some of my first followers recognize it:)

It was beautiful. Though that hardly describes anything. It was beyond description! A new world, it seemed. Amazing creatures flew through the air, and strange people walked around.

……

………………………

…GAHHHHHHHH! How is it that I begin to describe, and then I’m like-Okay, the reader must be able to visualize that this elven world is super pretty…but how can I do that…? OH, I KNOW! I’ll just say that it’s, like, so pretty that words can’t even describe its beauty. Yes, that will work. *nods head sagely* because my description skills are obviously out-of-this-WORLD good-literally no one can compete with my amazingness. 

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Youuuu probably get the point by now that my descriptions…*coughs* they sucked.

MOVING ON!

 

3. SUDDENLYyyyyyyyy…Something Super Weird Happens (Not Counting My Whole Book…)

I didn’t realize it until I did this post, but my entire book was full of such big wording that it shocked me. And then I noticed that super RANDOM things suddenly happened, and I would use immensely big fancy words and long descriptions and I’m basically sliding down in my chair in horror because what was I thinking? And, like, what’s with all the drama!!?? I DON’T UNDERSTAND!???

Examples of crazy random things:

When Anya sat down, she wasn’t allowed to talk, but she felt much better.

Suddenly, flashbacks overtook her.

Wait.

What…?

Like…what?

For some reason, I thought the dinner table was an appropriate place to have flashbacks. *face-palm*

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Will glanced at Anya, and then nodded. “That’s okay. You’ll have to overcome the heights later on, so we may as well spare you from it for now.”

How…does this make any sense? *hides away forever from embarrassment*

They had found a group of palm trees, providing the much-needed shade. And there, in a little hole in the ring of trees, lay a lake of water.

Anya stumbled over towards it, and produced an elven stick from her luggage. It was given to her by The Royal Wizard. It told when something was magical, poisonous, or completely fine.

Just so you guys know, that stick, like, never existed again.

Also, I’m sooo curious to know what the difference is between and elven stick and a…human stick?? Even STICKS get their own titles now too, apparently.

Will’s hands felt like they were on fire, and after everything that had happened, he wouldn’t have been surprised if they were.

Wow. That’s dark.

Mooooving on!

 

4. Drama Drama

She was sure sign language at the table was disrespectful.

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WOW. For the record, my characters were just doing some sort of weird frowning and making eye contact with each other across the table because for some strange reason they weren’t allowed to talk at the table, annndd (FYI old me (wait…what? younger me??? ….past self…)) that’s not exactly qualified as sign language.

*coughs*

“I’m sorry, your royal highness,” Will sounded furious

For some reason I’m just finding all of this SO hilarious. I’m quite curious to know how it sounds for someone to say ‘your royal highness’ in a furious tone of voice.

WAIT THE ELF LORD DUDE ACTUALLY HAS MORE THAN ONE TITLE *everyone gasps and screams and you can hear the distant shattering of glasses being dropped in shock*

The elf lord looked completely stunned. He was no more, ‘chid’ this or ‘children’ that.

…this make me laugh so hard because WOW this makes NO SENSE!

Wow guys, I think I’m enjoying this WAY too much…MOVING ON!

 

5. Dialogue Time!

I used to have this thing that went on where I knew everything that was going to happen or what a character would say, and I would get just so. excited and literally just skip to the end of when someone was talking and more than half of any conversation that happened skipped the entire point (as I was basically explaining from earlier).

SO! I thought it would be fun to share with you some of the most ridiculous or pointless conversations that my characters had.

Okie dokie, onto the examples:

She looked up and stared into the wizard’s dark emerald eyes. “This is my destiny, my fate,” Anya stood up. “I’ll take it.”

*sniffles* so dramatic my Anya.

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Colin nodded, and then glanced at Will. Will nodded, as if signifying something. “Eh…my lord,” Colin took a step forward, and bowed his head.

*laughs so hard I fall out of my chair* whoever here thinks saying ‘Eh,” to a lord is the proper way to address one, raise thy hand. (I think I was trying to say ‘er’ and it came out as ‘eh’.)

“Come what may…” Anya whispered to herself as she stared up at the stars in the night sky.

*sucks in breath, as tears fill my eyes and I raggedly gasp* So deep. 

“Thanks,” Anya breathed, as she sat down, and touched her throbbing head again.

Will smiled. “No worries. I’m always ready to help you,”

Anya cringed. “I think I might be a bit claustrophobic.”

Will waved his hand dismissively. “That’s okay Anya, it happens to a lot of people.”

Anya nodded, and looked around. It was a beautiful, breathtaking, courtyard. Anya sighed happily. “How’d you know about this place? It’s so lovely.”

Will’s face grew red. “Erm…I didn’t…I sort of guessed where an outside door should be, and here we are.”

“Well,” Anya answered breathlessly, standing up. “I think you chose a perfect spot, guess or no guess.”

“Thanks,” Will answered, looking around himself.

*chortles and falls out of chair before re-gaining whatever dignity I happen to have and moves onto the next conversation*

The group sat silently for a while, before Anya spoke. “What do you think is going to happen?”

“What do you mean?” Will asked curiously.

“At the battle…because I’m assuming there’s going to be one.” Anya sighed.

Cause she’s assuming there’s gunna be a WAR? Wow Anya, apparently without my knowledge you were bestowed upon the gift of becoming a seer……??????

 

6. The Epic Collection of Grammar Mistakes:

 

“Even for you, my children, I’m quiet disappointed on how you acted tonight.” The elf lord sighed

*snorts* …I have no words.

And so, they set off again, tramping in an endless routine, hoping beyond hope all the while that what they seeked, would be found.

Well, me being dramatic DEFINITELY failed that time…seeked? Ohhhh boyyyy…

“These things are endless,” Will moaned, slumping against the banister as he whipped away sweat from his face.

This is…too…much *laughs forever* I wanna know what whipping sweat away looks like now…

Okay, this is getting weird…MOVING ON!

 

7. Humor!!!!…or Not

Bother, it had to come sometime.

Fair warning: My humor SUCKED back then.

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“We’re just waiting on one.” Will answered. As if on que, Faith shouted. “Guys, I’m only last because I think the tree grew way too many branches last night!” The group looked upwards to see Faith trying to unhook her long dress from the branches of the tree. The whole group, even Colin, had to laugh at her outrageous predicament.

…*pukes and then dies of humiliation because this is 100% NOT FUNNY*

In answer, Shorty mumbled something in his sleep, turning over in his position, and hit his head on the wall next time him. “DIE YE VILLAINS!” He shouted, jumping up with his arm raised. A loud crack echoed through the room, and Shorty cringed. “Backs ‘twould be getting too old for laying on walls.” Shorty dropped stiffly himself onto the cot, making it sag under his weight.

I vividly remember this being the BEST and most hilarious thing ever created in the history of ever.

Obviously I understand what’s going on hahahahaha….I hope anyway because I wrote it, but from a reader perspective this thing literally makes no sense.

Shorty giggled like a little school boy. “Yes! And you wouldn’t wake up at all! I thought you were dead for a while there, but then I told myself, “Shorty, your new jail partner wouldn’t just go die on you!” So, I knew you hadn’t!” Shorty grinned, showing off a few missing teeth.

*shrugs* I mean, this wasn’t too bad, I guess? (Although…how can one show their missing teeth if they’re kind of…gone? These are obviously the questions).Screen Shot 2019-02-10 at 2.39.03 PM

*shrugs* well, you gotta start somewhere! My writing style has DEFINITELY changed, (hopefully for the better…).

Anywayyysss, this is all in good fun, by the way. I LOVE my book, no matter how dramatically ridiculous it is, it’s a wonderfully trashy masterpiece to me You guys: wait, Mary, was that supposed to be, like, an emotional speech or something? No? Good; cause I wasn’t listening.

ALSO, I know this wasn’t much of a learning session today, more like me-burning-and-sassing-my-book-to-embers time, buuuttt I hope you guys had fun and laughed as much as I did. Tell me in the comments below what was your favorite mistake and/or snippet!

Also, moral of the story: Don’t do anything or write anything that I did for this entire post.  

 

 

Also, thank you so much to Caleb who requested a part two…uhm, back in April XD Sorry about the delay, I hope you enjoyed the post though! *hands you marshmallows*

Mwahhahahahha!!!!! Okay, though….who wants to see a part THREE!?

Also, do you guys actually enjoy these things or would your rather have me stick to writing advice?

 

I hope you enjoyed this post! If you have any questions or thoughts, leave a comment down below.

Thanks for reading!

Mary

 

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14 thoughts on “WARNING: Do NOT Do These 7 Things That I Did! (ft Me Roasting My Book to Marshmallows Pt. 2)”

  1. Haha, these are great, and a little too relatable, haha! The humor one, especially . . . . I thought I was just sooo funny, did I? Ugh. 😛

    But yes, old books are fun to look back on ❤ And I'm glad you're encouraged at your improvement rather than disappointed lol.

    Thanks for doing this post; I'd totally love to see a part three!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much Savannah!! LOL okay yeah I laughed at the humor ones too 😂

      YES! Definitely, I see this as a way to show myself that I have grown for the better and my writing IS good, while ALSO making you guys laugh a lot 😂 Win win I should hope 😂

      Aw, thank YOU for reading it and leaving a comment, I appreciate it so much! HAHA I LIKE YOUR THINKING! *rubs hands eagerly* I shall get started on that straight away! 😊

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha thanks Evelyn!! 😂 YES!! Part of me was just dying laughing at my past self’s writing being so ridiculously dramatic, but the other half was super embarrassed and sort of sensible and was like, “WOW, back the T-rex up, should I really post this on my BLOG???…mehhhh, I’ve already done a part one…LET’S DOOOO THIS THING!” 😂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Heeheehee!
    Looking back on old writing is fun, but also…painful.
    I started a novel two years ago titled “The Uprising” and completely abandoned it because HURK it was soooo bad and there was NO PLOT WHATSOEVER…
    Also there was an evil creature called…
    The Unmentionable…
    And I just can’t….
    wHy on earth would I name him that…
    *jumps off cliff*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my gosh…I UNDERSTAND. This post was kind of painful because I had to trudge through my super melodramatic character’s dialogue who go through weird mood swings in every sentence to find something worth commenting on *slams face repeatedly on table*
      Oh my gosh yess, I can relate. But hey, at least The Unmentionable is better than ‘The Badguys’, which I mayyyy or may not have done at one point or another *coughs and hacks in corner*

      Like

  3. Oh. My. Gosh. Wow. I have no words. I was laughing SO hard the entire time. XD Also, if you’re wondering why I’m posting this comment, like, two years later (XD), it’s ’cause I was reading your most recent post and it linked to this post. I just HAD to read this. Oh my gosh, I’m laughing so hard right now. YES. YES. YES. I NEED A PART THREE! XD Anyway…I have now read part two. Time for part one. *salutes*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. AHAHA THAT’S AWESOME. I’m so glad you were laughing 😆😆 (Oooh right!! I think it’s totally awesome when people read my super old posts, so I don’t mind 😆) IKR! I was thinking of doing a part 3 recently, but then I was like, “This ‘series’ is SO old I dunno if anyone would remember at this point” but eh I should just do it anyway

      Like

      1. Yess! XD (Yes, isn’t that fun? Lol!) Yes, you should do it! You can just link parts 1 and 2 in the part 3 post so that new followers would know what you’re talking about! 😀

        Liked by 1 person

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